The Joy of Sex

Pleasure, science, vulnerability - The ultimate odyssey: the importance of knowing yourself.

Fifty-four years ago, Alex Comfort published ‘The Joy of Sex’; one of the first mainstream books to treat sex not as duty, danger, or shame, but as something to be enjoyed - not as taboo, but as a wonderful experience. It was an act of reclamation. And in its own way, so is Masturbation Month…

Founded in 1995 by Good Vibrations in San Francisco (partly in response to the sacking of US Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders for daring to suggest masturbation be discussed in sex education), Masturbation Month has always been about the same thing: the right to pleasure. Your pleasure, on your terms - something of a mantra for us.

At Coco de Mer, we believe female pleasure is not a luxury; it is a necessity, and a basic human right that can have a life-changing impact. This May, we want to strengthen the case for pleasure and to explore what real, embodied, unperformed joy actually feels like, and what it does to us.

Take note, pleasure seekers…

THE SCIENCE OF FEELING GOOD

There is a neurochemical story at the heart of every orgasm, and it is an incredibly compelling one. During both masturbation and partnered sex, the brain activates the same dopaminergic reward circuit, hypothalamus, and somatosensory cortex. 

What happens at orgasm?

Dopamine - The "happiness hormone". This floods the system, driving pleasure, motivation, and a deep sense of satisfaction. Its absence is linked to low energy and disconnection.

Endorphins - The body's natural analgesic. Released during arousal and orgasm, they relieve pain, lift mood, and produce a feeling of genuine well-being. A 2013 study in Cephalalgia found sexual activity reduced migraine pain in up to a third of patients - consider this our favourite kind of pain relief.

Oxytocin - The "love hormone". Released by the hypothalamus, it dampens cortisol (that charming stress hormone that can increase in perimenopausal and menopausal years), lowers blood pressure, and creates a sense of calm and connection. 

Prolactin - Elevated post-orgasm, prolactin quiets arousal and produces the profound settling of the nervous system - what many describe as clarity, or peace.

"Having an orgasm temporarily silences the prefrontal cortex — the brain's self-critical inner narrator."

Dr. Emilė Radytė, Neuroscientist & Co-founder, Samphire Neuroscience

In that silence, there is not only release, but clarity. A reset. A moment of being simply, fully, yourself. Not that we needed any further encouragement, and yet here we are…

Self-pleasure trains the brain to read internal cues - hunger, pain, arousal - which is particularly vital during hormonal shifts like PMS, perimenopause, and postpartum.

The hormonal cycle matters hugely to our pleasure barometer. Oestrogen and progesterone alter the way the brain processes reward, which is why pleasure can feel different at different points of the month. During the follicular phase, rising oestrogen actually enhances dopamine sensitivity. Your body is not unpredictable; it is communicating. Knowing yourself means learning to listen.

A 2024 study featured in Healthline found that masturbation helped relieve feelings of stress and boosted mood in participants. A 2025 review found it helped soothe anxiety — because it involves actively making yourself feel better. And a fascinating study by Kirolos Eskandar confirmed that the release of endorphins, oxytocin, prolactin, and dopamine during orgasm can reduce stress, improve sleep, alleviate pain, and boost mood.

THE INNATE APPEAL OF VULNERABILITY

A brilliant article by Psychology Today suggests that passion is dependent on vulnerability to such a degree that sex without any is, at its core, significantly less passionate. Undressing - both literally and figuratively - is already the beginning of something.

There is a wonderful quote from Sex Therapist Martha Kauppi: 

"Sexual relationships beckon us to reveal our deepest selves even from within the dangerous safety of another's arms."

That tension of ‘dangerous safety’ is not a problem to be solved - it is where intimacy thrives. Neuroscience supports this: expressing vulnerability activates the ventral tegmental area of the brain, the seat of bonding and connection, physically deepening our social bonds as we open up.

Researchers have identified two core elements of sexual intimacy: self-disclosure and empathy. When partners feel safe enough to be honest about their wants, needs, and fantasies, and trust they will be met with openness, something remarkable happens. A secure environment forms, exploration becomes possible. The willingness to experiment, to play, to try and fail and laugh, becomes a rich texture within the relationship.

THE FUN OF SEX

Let’s think of the non-physical intimacy and yearning we see on screens, and in books - that prolonged eye contact, those hand flexes, those wandering thoughts and signals being read - even without touch, they all have such an effect. Intimacy is a game you can play, a conversation you choose to lean into - and for many of us, a huge turn on.

And there is genuine joy in that intimacy. In the unfolding, the discovery. In the fact that sex - solo or shared - is fundamentally fun. Messy, curious, surprising, sometimes funny, sometimes transcendent. Not a performance, a goal, or a process. Being in your body, in the moment; not watching yourself, not managing yourself, but being truly present - it’s a powerful experience.

IT STARTS WITH YOU

There is a persistent and damaging asymmetry in how male and female masturbation are culturally regarded. Male pleasure is a given - it is widely discussed, depicted, practically celebrated. Female masturbation remains, for many, tinged with shame, secrecy, or the vague sense that it represents a failure of partnership.

The research tells a different story. A large US study of over 52,000 adults found that heterosexual men orgasm during sex 95% of the time. Heterosexual women: 65%. The gap is not physiological. It is cultural.

Solo pleasure is not a consolation. It is, in many ways, the masterclass. How can you communicate what you want to a partner if you haven't yet found out for yourself? Self-knowledge is not selfishness. It is the beginning of genuine connection. Not to mention, delightful in every sense of the word.

We live by this rule - Never fake an orgasm. It serves no one. Take your time. Learn what you truly like - not what you're ‘supposed’ to like. And enjoy the process - knowing yourself in this way will benefit everyone. 

Pleasure is power. Not a performance of power, not power over anyone - at least, not always, anyway. The quiet, certain, embodied knowledge of yourself - your desires, your responses, your capacity for joy - breeds a confidence unlike anything else. It sharpens consent and it deepens relationships. It is, at its most fundamental, an act of self-respect.

SET THE SCENE

Every ritual deserves the right accompaniments. Whether you are new to solo exploration or deepening a beloved practice, these are the pieces we return to - designed by women, for women, with nothing but your pleasure in mind.

The Pleasure Collection - Expertly engineered for solo and partnered delights.

Intimate Play - Surround your playtime with suitably indulgent essentials.

And last but by no means least, the finest lingerie as the perfect framing. 

This May, give yourself permission to explore. Not because it's Masturbation Month. But because you deserve to know what joy feels like - and because, neurologically, emotionally, and in every sense that matters, it is incredibly good for you.

Doctor’s orders have never been so delightful…