Like many young people, losing my virginity was a disappointment. I was definitely too young, it was alcohol fuelled and something I regretted. The way I lost my virginity didn't set me up for having a great relationship with my body or understanding pleasure, but that all changed when I had my first orgasm. I was 21 years old and had been sexually active for a number of years. Prior to that first orgasm I had been living with a silent nagging fear: what if I never have an orgasm, what if I couldnt recognise an orgasm if it happened?
My first orgasm was magical. It blew me apart into a thousand stars. I had my own internal galaxy shining brightly and the beauty of the orgasms changed the way I had sex. The experience of an orgasm for me represented self love, as it was only when I had fallen in love that I had my first orgasm. What amazed me was that orgasms are unmistakable and unmissable. Thank God was my overall reaction; I was now whole...
Orgasms are intense. They come in many shapes and sizes and they even come from many different places in the body and from the mind. Orgasms are massively important to us on a personal and social level. We have all heard the medical evidence that suggests orgasms are great for our health, for example, the Kinsey Institute claims orgasms are anti-aging, help stress, an anti-depressant, and even a pain killer.
Orgasms seem to also hold massive importance socially because if they didnt we wouldnt need to fake them. There are many books on how to become a multi-orgasmic couple, so invariably there is pressure to not just have one, but many.
Orgasms are sold with sex like a pre-packaged item. Advertisers sell products with the promise of sexual appeal and an orgasmic life; cars, chocolates, handbags and perfume, orgasms are like the promised treasure at the end of a rainbow.
Come on, hands up who loves orgasms! There arent going to be many people who say - they bore me.
There is a total danger in over focusing on the orgasm. Yes we love them, and yes they are a treasured part of our lives. The obsession with the end game can make you lose sight of the bigger picture, and the most important part of sex, which is quite simply how you get there. The sexual journey is the true secret to sexual ecstasy and not the orgasmic destination.
After my first orgasm, and then years of having sex chasing orgasms around the bedroom I have realised that the most dooming part of a healthy sex life can be falling into a habitual sex that simply serves the purpose of an orgasm, to a point where you almost lose site of why you are doing it - which is connecting, loving and enjoying yourself and your partner.
The journey of Coco de Mer has taught me a lot, but one of the best lessons I have learnt is that sex and orgasms are second to the issue of the true pleasure which you achieve when you can fully explore your body, learn to feel free enough to express yourself, and be brave enough to communicate.
I suppose what I am saying is orgasm schmorgasm. Be curious about your body, explore all creative avenues to express yourself sexually, and fill yourself and your partner up with love. Lie back and feel the magic happen.