Virginity Is All Fucked Up
Recently I found out that a friend of mine is a virgin - a technical virgin- she is a grown woman, glorious, sexy, and sexually active.
I was baffled by the concept of her being a 'virgin', amazed that she actually referred to herself one. She is a close friend of mine yet I never thought about asking whether she had ever had penetrative sex, I just presumed that she had, and really even if she has never had penetrative sex, does that truly make her a virgin? What does virginity mean?
Can the definition of virginity hinge on a penis entering a vagina? Surely we have evolved sexually from that stance...
She felt like she had failed because she had not lost her virginity. She felt that there was something inherently wrong with her, that she could not do it - she was scared of the pain. When she revealed her secret I was amazed by how her fear restricted her and how much internal anguish she was hiding. Really she had no one to talk to as she was deeply embarrassed.
I started asking her simple questions: 'Have you ever used a dildo?' 'No.' 'Have you ever used your fingers?' 'No.' The paradox was that she was sexually very experienced and knew how to pleasure herself, (in fact I would dare to call her a little sex 'kitten').
Yet, saying that, she was really in a state of personal bondage. I felt compelled to help her - she was scared of her own body. What I realised was that nobody had held her hand through the truth; she was living in the dark. It made me wonder how many other girls and women out there had made wrong presumptions about sex - tying themselves up in worry, fear and avoidance. My friend was scared because it would hurt.
So I helped her. You have to relax; if you respond to your body in fear the muscles will contract, and when your muscles contract this will accentuate the feeling of 'pain'. Breathe; breathing assists relaxation, relaxation assists pleasure, pleasure relaxes.
I assisted her though a number of steps and after one session she was no longer a technical virgin - she was fully acquainted with the total power of her body; she was able to explore her entire personal landscape and enjoy.
Her story brought up a lot of questions for me. I reflected about my own experience and how it had affected me throughout my sexual life. In many ways my own experience of losing my virginity is what led me to opening Coco de Mer - undoing what for me was a horror story that propelled me into many years of anguish. Coco de Mer was an active healing response to what had started out bad and this was a way of turning it into something great.
I reflected about my niece and my friend's kids, who soon will be of age. How do we guide them to a safe and healthy experience? It made me think about the value of virginity, that socially we wage too much into the status of virginity. There are many cultures that do not even recognise it as a status.
Virginity is even a political statement, a huge Republican and Christian campaign in the US. They have spent millions publicising that virginity is the only moral way forward for the new generation, making sex yet again a taboo by placing the silver rings on the hands of teenagers, making them vow to God that they will preserve their virginity until they are married.
We need to teach ourselves the relevance of how we begin to introduce ourselves to our sexual selves, the sanctuary that our bodies provide. We need to educate the world that consent is the foundation of sexual ecstasy and having respect and some degree of love assists true physical pleasure.
We also need to introduce the whole body as an entire erogenous zone and remember that sex has many glorious actions. Penetration is simply one of many great expressions of a personal heaven and we need to allow ourselves to be curious and to explore every crevice of our own landscape without worry or fear. Only then will we learn how to dance to the rhythm of the pulsating orgasm.