Coco De Mer

Culturally we dismiss sex as a laughable, unmentionable act, our views loaded with judgment. The questions of getting it, giving it, and enjoying it all roll around inside the private minds of the cosmopolitan community. Pressures mount up and expectations are confusing for all of us.

Contradictions around the liberation of sex are sending us into a world of mixed messages. With the loss of important boundaries and the over sexualisation of our culture, we are being led into a very dangerous place. Sex trafficking is on the increase, the 3rd largest criminal industry next to arms and drugs. Men are engaging in paid sex, unaware that a murderous mafia has transformed the sex industry, terrorising innocent children and women. Prostitution, and lap dancing have become socially acceptable, and women have largely adopted a male attitude towards sex.

Religious fanaticism is on a global increase and is dramatically affecting the freedom of women around the world, eroding their rights to education, and sexual and political freedom. The facts are simple; where there is a lack of equality between men and women there is a shocking increase in violence.

On the other hand, there is a truth in saying that the urban western woman has more information than ever. Her expectations for pleasure are finally matching the demands of her male counterparts and for the first time in history women have the freedom to express themselves. We are at a precarious place within unfolding history – we need to make a choice as to what kind of world we wish to live in.

Sex is a precious act that adds to the pleasure of our lives. It can give us insurmountable happiness and draw us close to the ones we love. Sex is a function like eating and sleeping, however, the golden secret is pleasure. Pleasure is a lot more complicated as how we give and how we receive pleasure is what unlocks the doors of paradise. Understanding pleasure takes communication and vulnerability.

Great sex makes us less angry, more loving and happier as a whole. However, sex has more purposes than being a simple sustenance to the soul. It is great for our personal health and medical evidence has shown that the endorphins that are released are one of the best and most effective anti depressants around. Additionally, sex lowers blood pressure, is a great pain reliever, helps keeps the heart healthy and your body trim.

If we want to be a sexually liberated society, first of all we have to understand there is only one rule to our freedom and that involves understanding the importance of consent, this sounds simple and obvious but we are not taught what true consent truly. Consent is based on negotiation between the people involved and the understanding of what the parameters are that surround consent. Consent can only come through empowerment, and empowerment can only come from understanding yourself, and what you are entitled to.

Our attitudes towards sex dictate how we treat each other, and ourselves. Sex is more important to us socially than we give it credit, being non-judgmental kind and respectful are the values that we need to project. Individually we need to carve out more time in our lives, prioritise sex instead of expecting it to happen in-between our heavy schedules. It is the one act that can provide an amount of happiness, and that is invaluable. The best, most pleasurable sex we can experience is free.

One piece of advice I can give you is explore everything, every crevice of your body, feast on your lovers flesh, forget about the goal of an orgasm, it is irrelevant; treat your lovers body like it is an adventure and your destination will be paradise.

View footage of the tassel-twirlingly successful Burlesque Protest Shows held in the Coco de Mer shop this Monday and Tuesday!

Last night was fucking brilliant – witching hour saw our shop window come alive with saucy showcases with top burlesque performers Lola LaBelle and Ruby Rose, still life models Kink Ink and the divine sounds of Twin and Tonic. We literally stopped traffic – there were tailbacks down Monmouth Street as everyone wanted to see more - and it was fucking amazing.

And the best bit is we’re doing it all again tonight at 10pm so come and join us for a night of burlesque beauty. This is all part of our campaign to show Camden Council what burlesque really is and this Wednesday will see us taking to the streets of London to give the council a real eyeful – there’ll be tits on sticks, 6ft burlesque figures and all manner of beautiful costumes. We’d love you to help us with the rabble rousing so be at the Monmouth Street store at noon. For more information view full details of the event on Facebook

There is a kind of comedy about the notion of a burlesque protest - tits on sticks, boobs against bills and a Benny Hill version of politics so when approached by the magical and intelligent Lola LaBelle I could not help but giggle at the a tassel twirling outrage.

However, when listening to her persuasive intelligence, the issues around why the industry is taking to the streets were revealed to be a lot more serious. The simple truth is that the burlesque industry is being threatened by a couple of officials in Camden Council who have laced their prudery with misinformation. The consequence of their ignorance will have a massive cultural implication - if their views go unchallenged then this wave of cultural censorship could, like our dwindling civil liberties, add to the freedoms that are being stripped away from us under our own booties.

Ok, so the issue is that Camden Council have deemed burlesque as being dangerous to children and that they state that due to the growing popularity of the art form burlesque acts need to obtain an adult entertainment license in order to perform. The license would mean that burlesque would have to be performed in a strip club or the venue would have to pay for temporary adult entertainment license, which comes at a considerable cost and inconvenience. Burlesque’s reputation will also be tarnished by its having to hold the same license as pole dancing, lap dancing and strip shows.

Camden Council are missing the point that burlesque performers are women of all shapes and sizes who are empowered by their art. They perform because burlesque is their passion, not to make money and they do not perceive themselves or their act as a part of the sex industry. In contrast to other forms of adult entertainment, the majority of burlesque audiences are empowered, intelligent women. Strip clubs are by and large operated by men and men make up their audience. Additionally, these men expect to be sexually aroused by what they see.

For those who already know what burlesque truly is, the issue is that burlesque is an art form and a genre that spans across all the arts - from literature, dance, music and theatre. It is exaggerated costumes and gestures that are salaciously dipped in sexuality and innuendo and it can cover the full spectrum from suggestion and tease through to strip. Burlesque is also known for its political boundary pushing.

My issue is that burlesque is a genre that encompasses many disciplines and styles of performance and with their actions Camden Council is effectively outlawing the genre. Such is their blanket approach to this licensing; it is the equivalent of them banning ‘drama’ or ‘comedy’. Yet when I met with the Council they admitted that they could not actually define what burlesque is but they have still taken it upon themselves to be cultural censors.

So we’re showing them what burlesque is with a series of saucy events.

Images: Alex Simmons

I have had a serious case of cock block, think of it as akin to writers block with a genital twist. It has never happened to me before, I have had a slight trepidation around my lovers cock and my fear has grown to a slightly uncomfortable size, a hesitating hand, pausing lips. My cock block had crept up on me almost undetected, and when it had developed it was a shock.

I pride myself on being someone who is completely guttural. I love juices, the stale smell of sweat, the musky scent that lingers below, I love hot slippery bodies and I am unafraid of all orifices. Having a cock locked onto my tongue fitting perfectly into my mouth is an oral must. I love food, I love taste; I am a gastro queen.

I want to build a picture here, as the cock block came completely out of the sidelines for me. I mean come on, let’s face it I am the Queen of Coco de Mer after all, how has this happened to me?

I don’t want there to be any misinterpretation of my adoration of oral delights. I am very fussy about what goes into my mouth, I am a girl of quality, I really need to like someone quite deeply in order to allow myself to worship their most treasured parts.

So here I am, in an exchange with a lover whom I have to say I have grown quite steadily to adore, with cock block, which I have never experienced before. Instead of talking directly to him I decided to hold it within, there is a fine line of being open and communicative and feeding a quiet fear into a large neurosis. To be honest I needed to buy some time before I cracked it all open, I needed to reflect on where this came from, how this happened.

My new lover whom I will call ‘X’ is a true master in the bedroom, unfaultable. I don’t want to praise too much because he’s uncomfortable with sincere compliments.

So lets get back on to cock block. ‘X’ delights in making a meal out of me, he praises my pussy like it is a rare breed and whispers 'you’re so sexy into my ear', he often calls me naughty, he makes me feel good, easy, happy and free, so cock block should be the last thing that is on the menu.

What is interesting is that cock block seemed to be an emotional reaction both from him and me, and it remained unspoken.

I was becoming increasingly aware that I was avoiding his cock at all costs. It was like a magnetic reaction, I just felt I could not do his cock justice, my hand was uncomfortable wrapped around his shaft, my lips quivered and retreated in shyness, what the fuck was going on?

I really thought about it, I knew that this had to be broached carefully - somehow I had to turn this from a growing issue into something sexy.

I came to some simple conclusions as I racked my brains: My last lover before this one was the ‘King of Cock’ – my lips drove him mad. With ‘X’ it was like I had to relearn how to interact with a whole new penis personality. In short I was worried that I was treating his cock like it was attached to my last lover, which is not a good look!

The reality is that each person is a universe unto themselves. We are not formulaic. We each have a totally unique way of finding our own pleasure, and the truth is experience and technique can only get us so far, they are a reference rather than a sure means of getting a result. What I mean is that the more references you have, and the larger your repertoire is, the more likely you are to find pleasure. However, the only thing that makes you a great lover is your capacity to communicate and enquire, to learn and to get someone to divulge.

Our sexual prowess or ego is easily bruised and hurt, nobody likes to think that they are not gifting their lover true pleasure, that how they are loving their lover’s body is not up to scratch. This simple fact stops us from communicating because it is uncertain ground.

We don’t want to damage our lover’s ego, and it is hard to hear that you’re not doing it right. I was surprised by how hesitant I was to broach the subject, even though I knew that was the key.

The thing is this is elementary stuff, what is dumbfounding was that I was feeling shy, I was almost embarrassed and ashamed, but why? Because I suppose I was vulnerable as we are all in sex.

I also recognised an undercurrent of feeling that he was not wholly 100% into the way I was delighting in his cock, although he said nothing of the sort. It was his reaction, or more like a non-reaction that made me feel uneasy and led me towards the ‘cock block’. I thought about it, I was enjoying it, I absolutely love it so the problem was not a lack of enthusiasm.

So I had two simple solutions:

The first was to ask him to teach me all the tricks of how he loves his cock being sucked.

His response to this was interesting, he was almost (not quite) irked or slightly offended by me asking for assistance. He felt put on the spot, he had to identify where I could be tutored. I suppose my expectations have, like my age, matured, and my desires are different. After all I have come out of a 10 year relationship and I understand that sex is something that you are not inherently good at.

There is no such thing as being good in bed, but simply an innate desire to satisfy and to discover. Amazingly the communication doesn’t get easier, it is simply about breaking the ice and managing reactions, and understanding that there is a goal to the communication. I think to be fair my position of asking for ‘assistance’ is easier, asking for assistance is generous and gracious, however it does highlight that there could be a problem. Highlighting a problem creates an extremely delicate situation. From my lover’s position it is harder, having to direct and guide in what you like is a lot trickier, there is a lot more at risk and it really does take a lot of careful navigation.

The truth is it made me question and look at myself. I realised that I have rarely guided my past lovers with clear and concise verbal instruction, instead I have guided them with my moans and groans and
‘yes, there’, ‘don’t stop’. I have rarely navigated, directed and instructed someone while they have been in between my legs, with the idea that we were exploring my punarni together.

Which is, let’s face it, a whole new project which I am completely up for.

I feel that I confronted my cock block in an open saucy manner, I dispelled the cloud that hung over me by just mentioning it, and happily explaining that my desires to truly pleasure my lover were almost (but not quite) enough. The idea of going to cock sucking school vastly appealed to me, I turned an issue round in my own head into something that to be honest made me feel quite sexy and turned me on.

He was the professor of his own penis and I was a student of enthusiastic, earnest oral delights. I felt completely capable of earnestly and carefully following all instructions. After all, we can all admit begrudgingly that communication is the key.

The second mode of attacking cock block was even simpler (I can’t believe I am such a fool), in the first month or so of being constantly and quite addictively horizontal I kept all my tools neatly locked away. We all know that at the beginning we all have the simple and delightful ‘fucking like bunny rabbits syndrome’, but this is inexcusable, after all it is my own fucking mantra - there is only one essential sex tool that no bedroom should never, ever be without: a frigging lube!

So my mode of attack was Polished Talent. Let me say this: it is the best fucking sex tool known to man. It is cheap, it is effective, it delivers results.

The long and the short of it is that you can give the best hand jobs with it, no more wrist ache. Beyond that it makes you really, really enjoy giving a warm welcoming hand shake, it takes out the drive to milk a cock and puts in the essential ingredient of massaging it with love. No pressure here.

Cock block taught me everything I already know, but as always sex teaches us that we are all on the same playing field.

I believe that God is the ultimate orgasm, that God is the same as an orgasm.

I do not want to talk about sexual techniques or the psychological map of our sexuality. I want to talk about how the energy of God is hidden in the way we fuck – it can be locked away and often missed.

It is something that currently is not widely recognised, though this idea is not as outlandish as it sounds at first; it is mapped throughout our sexual history, within pre-patriarchal societies, tribal communities and Asian philosophies.

I have a layman’s theory about why God has been banished from sex. I am going to conveniently ignore the specifics around the history of religion, particularly where it branched off from the simple reality that all of our bodies are innocent, and where religion drove a wedge between heaven and hell and injected guilt into one of the most natural acts we perform. I believe the reason for this was that religious groups were the original political parties, and in order to retain control they needed financial wealth. They had to capture the imagination of the public, they had to increase and maintain their public prescription.

Their weapon was fear, and at the same time, they promised to be the antidote to that fear; delivering us to the door of salvation and being the key to paradise; if you chose not to believe then you were surely destined for hell.

In order for religion to hold control it had to control our pleasure, pleasure that gifts us happiness, the most severing one of all being sex. Sex had to be the ultimate route to hell; it became the original sin in order to separate sex from spirituality.

Religion argues that sex is purely functional, a functional act simply for procreation. Due to that deception religion therefore had to sell homosexuality as an unnatural perversity, it could not legitimise homosexual sex because homosexual sex is simply there for pleasure there is no possibility of conception within it.
Homosexual sex proves that humans hold a sense of spiritual connection through their sexuality towards each other. Homosexuality has been called unnatural, which is a fundamental lie, as it exists with every animal community.

The issue is why does religion want to monopolise the way we as individuals relate to sex?

Well the truth is sex has the greatest capacity to be the most satisfying pleasure of them all. Sex can be an incredible connection and amazing meditation, it is where we as humans can join together to become one, where we turn into a throbbing pulsating energy.

Fulfilling and satisfying consensual sex gifts us more personal happiness than any other pleasure. This is why it is the greatest threat to religion; because the more happiness we find in the connection to another, or others, the less likely we would to be controlled as a society, and the more satisfied, more peaceful and happier the community would be as a whole – but as a self thinking community.

Sexual energy drives everything; it is the creative force in every one of us. Whether constructive or destructive, sex is how we touch each other, it is a work out for the soul.

That there is a mystery to life is unarguable; we have no real understanding as to why we are here and what our purpose is, but I do believe we can make some simple parallels. We are in may ways made up of matter and energy, matter is quantifiable but the energy that drives all living things is unquantifiable, some call it the soul, some call it spirit, some simply call it life force, it is immeasurable.

The Eastern art and spiritual practice of Tantra studies the breath that gives us life, and the energy that drives all living things. The source of that energy is sexual energy; it is what we are born from, it is our entry to life, and when we die, it dissipates.

The followers of Tantra understand that sexual energy is the fire in our belly, it is what harnesses and propels our spiritual energy, once understood it gives us more life force, more power, and more happiness. We have been taught within Western culture to dismiss what we cannot justify, what we cannot measure, and what we cannot prove. But, if sexual energy is where life or spirit is born from, and God is perceived as the highest form of spirit, and if God gave birth to all life, then that leads me to a very simple conclusion that God is hidden in the very fabric of our sexual interaction. God is the floating-feeling energy that propels pleasure into how we fuck.

On this premise, sex in its most natural balanced state can only be good. God is within us not beyond us. Through our sex and through pleasure we connect to the spiritual state of God, the mystery of life and our continuum, through our sex we connect to each other.

The garden of Eden (PARADISE) is locked, woven into our loins only waiting for us to discover our own happiness that is hidden in the very fabric of our bodies.

So lets begin on the journey of finding paradise…paradise that is patiently waiting for us to arrive.

As we know there are many forms of sex, after all sex is function but we all know it goes far beyond that, that it is an emotional expression even in its most dysfunctional form. Sexual energy is creative energy. It is also the expression of how we love, love is not simple, and love has many twists and turns.

How we love also includes how we love ourselves. Sex is an expression of self-love.

One element of our sexual expression is theatre, we are the architect our own desires, in fact many people consider it art, sex is wrapped up in perception and all the senses. The types of sex we can perform are endless. All are exceptionally valid, deliciously simple, and fucking complex.

The reality is that sex serves many purposes in our life, it is a fantastic painkiller, the natural endorphins pumping through us can relieve insomnia or arthritic suffering. Sex is an antidepressant, sex makes you stand up taller, and makes you more attractive.

Our culture leaves us out in the cold when it comes to sex; essentially, we have to teach ourselves to do it. We are told of its potential secondary to the dangers it presents. We grow up with understanding that as adults it is the ultimate drive, the ultimate desire. We are taught to be cautious and ashamed of bodies, we are not encouraged to explore our bodies with unbounded curiosity.

We are taught to be embarrassed and we are often silenced by social taboo about the pleasure we experience through self-exploration, due to this many people are put off or blocked from discovering the true potential pleasure they can find in the map of their flesh.

Sex is confined to the obvious parts, it is seen mostly as an act rather than an expression. I am constantly shocked through my work when I see how little we all know – how restricted we are.

Our bodies are innocent, each particle on our skin is ours, is us there waiting to be discovered. Unless we approach our bodies with a childlike sense of curiosity, and explore our pleasure as if it is waiting to be found, we risk limiting our pleasure and limiting our happiness.

The reality is that no orifice should be demonised, each part of us including our minds can be released by our return to innocence, and we can be freed by taking on the idea that the Garden of Eden is there right there between our legs.